Flagrant Fouls

Yes, it's time to hand out flagrant fouls again. Once again, we will pretend that we are in a fantasy world where the perpetrators will admit their guilt.

John Croce
I'm the brother of the owner of the Philadelphia 76ers and used to be the Sixers' strength and conditioning coach. By stealing money out of Allen Iverson's pants in the Sixers' locker room I proved that, despite his tatooed and cornrowed appearance, Allen Iverson is not a criminal. You see, by not filing criminal charges against me, Allen received the opportunity to show that he is a compassionate human being and not a ruthless thug. Aren't I a great guy? Unfortunately, since I shamed the Sixers organization, my brother Pat and strength coaches everywhere, I deserve my flagrant foul.

Charles Oakley
I smacked Tyrone Hill upside the head because of some personal business. You guys don't know what the beef is all about, so just back off. And it definitely ain't over. OJ ain't over. If Hill is going to be a punk, I'm going to punk him. I smacked him in the preseason and I smacked him again. It's on now. But for making NBA players look like barbaric thugs, I definitely deserved my flagrant foul.

Patrick Ewing, Dikembe Mutombo and Dennis Rodman
We are superstars with money and free access to women, yet we frequented the Gold Club, a nudie bar in Atlanta. Now that the owner of the Gold Club, Steve Kaplan, has been charged with racketeering conspiracy including prostitution and money-laundering, we will be witnesses in a federal case. Until proven otherwise, it will look like we were getting sexual favors from strippers at the Gold Club. For basically giving the NBA another black eye, we willingly accept our flagrant fouls.

Kobe Bryant
I don't care what Phil Jackson says, ain't nobody gonna make me tone down my game. My dad, Jellybean Bryant, told me that the reason he ended up playing in Europe is because NBA coaches didn't allow him to play his game. So there is no way the "Zen Master" is going to make me play in this stupid triangle offense. Screw Shaq, Phil and the Holy Triangle, I want to lead the league in scoring. However, for making the Lakers a less effective team, I'll take this stupid flagrant foul.

Michael Jordan
I'm the greatest basketball player in history and I went out on top with a storybook ending to my great career. However, I love three things -- gambling, basketball and the media spotlight. Although I am fat and out of shape, I love the media attention that is generated by rumors of my comeback. I do not care that I'm in the midst of rebuilding the Washington Wizards, because all I care about is myself. I'm fanning the flames by getting my boys like Mario and Phil to say I'm coming back. I'm .01% sure that I may come back by the way. For showing that I have the world's largest ego, I receive my flagrant foul.